All Alone

We come into this world alone, we leave this world alone, yet why are we so afraid to live alone.

I was about to post this this morning and found the perfect quote in the Quote of the Day:
Do not blame Heaven, and do not blame earth, for your loneliness. You are traveling the ways of loneliness because your mind has not tried to conquer the darkness of frustration-frown. - Sri Chinmoy

The novelty of living alone is starting to wear off, the time is beginning where the lessons are starting to come in. It’s funny you know because you can’t really say that I am alone, I mean I’m not holed up in my apartment, on average once a day I am doing something that is not related to philosophy/music.

Those who want to be a true sadhak of music get restrictions, imposed upon them by the teacher (particularly if you are starting late in the game in terms of age). Very limited social life, full focus on music, cutting out people and things that will disturb your practice. Movement is restricted. It may seem overbearing, but completely necessary to do the sadhna. It is not just a sadhak of music, but any sadhna. Why is it that Vipassana has no cell phones, no contact, even eye contact with anyone. Because they really want you to spend time with yourself.

Spending time with yourself is hard. (note I am not complaining, just trying to go through the thoughts running in my head). To gain complete control over your mind and actions (ie doing everything with full awareness) is difficult and not something that your mind will easily allow you to do. Our training and upbringing typically is such that we are the slave of the mind. To try to change that power dynamic is not simple, who would want to give up power and become the one who follows.

My yoga instructor is always telling me, we have to gain control over the mind, even if you don’t want to hold the position, you must hold it (unless I absolutely can’t). Be strong, yog requires determination. The more determined you are, the stronger you are, the more powerful the experience. Be it for the postures or breathing exercises, everything requires control over the mind and strong will power.

In philosophy classes, after 20-30 minutes, the yawning begins and drowsiness begins to set in. Not because I am tired. All of sudden I want to pee. I try pinching myself and forcing myself to concentrate – wanting to listen, wanting to understand. Not wanting to seem rude or that I am not interested, I try to stifle the yawns and concentrate even more – after all what teacher wants to see the student yawning. But the teacher understands. “Your mind does not want you to understand reality, which in turn of course is linked to control over the mind. So it’s defense mechanism – causing you to become sleeping, once it distracts you once, it wins. It takes effort to build concentration, which is why we are beginning with the basics, easy stuff, slowly training the mind to listen and absorb this material.”

Tabla practice. Little Rahul once said to me that once you sit down for riyaz, you cannot get up. “Ha.” I thought. I can’t sit for that long at a time. It is always during riyaz that I remember the twenty-five thousand things I need to do – call this person, pick up this, etc, etc. But taking motivation from the comment, I sat down one day and with strong determination decided (made a “sankalp”) that I would not get up for 2 hours. And I did it. But the sad part about it, and this is me being completely honest, is that when I tried it again the next day, I got up. It was as if the one time was to prove to myself that I could do it. Good news though is that it is improving.. I remembering less things to do and trying harder to make a mental note and move on vs acting upon it immediately. The physical challenge of practice is hard, my lack of flexibility in the inner thighs makes it difficult to sit cross-legged for extended periods of time. However, esp with yoga, the flexibility is increasing and the stamina particularly in the arms and shoulders is building. Going from around 1hr/day straight to 4hr/day was a big jump, but its happening.

When challenging the self on so many different fronts, living on my own and cutting social ties on one side does not “help”, though in reality is it critical. The old Heena loved being around people, but at the same time stayed separate from them. I am glad to step away from social things, particularly of an Indian nature, which so many times I find to be very forced and artificial, but at the same time, I love to talk and share and limiting the people I interact with has been challenging. There are two sides to this – one is that I am not completely ready to share because I am still figuring it out and am in the process, yet two I miss the social comfort of having people around. (this last paragraph doesn’t make a lot of sense I know)

I’ve been sick for the last two days. While I could easily go to the ashram house and be around people, I want to be alone so I can keep up practice, etc (which hasn’t really happened). But what happens almost everytime I get sick happened again- I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted someone to be around to cook, to do things to make me feel better. At one point, I felt sorry for myself that I had no one around (which is not completely true – I could go to the ashram house), but that really isn’t the point. The craving for another to provide for me arose. I wanted someone else to do stuff for me to make me feel better. When I look at that question a little closer, the topic for this long post came up. What does it mean to be alone. Here I am, enjoying the time for self, but when a physical challenge comes up in terms of health, I feel sorry for myself that no one is around. What is that really? I have all the resources. All I have to do is call someone, let them know I am sick and they will more than happily do things, but I don’t do that. Subconsciously, I don’t want to take action, but I want something done – which is completely unrealistic.

Being sick is simply a metaphor. We come into this world alone and leave this world alone. In the middle, most tend to live their lives surrounded by others, trying to find that happiness with the crowds, but ultimately something is missing. If we can’t live with ourselves, is it possible to find true satisfaction? True happiness only comes from within and when we seek it from the outside world, at some point, we will be disappointed. If I want to achieve anything, ultimately I need to do it myself. I am lucky that I have people around sending me their support and love, but in the end I need to find the determination within myself. Things are going to be harder and are going to get harder as I enter deeper into the battle with the mind, but to win, I have to keep faith, determination and strong will.

The study of Indian classical music and philosophy are a huge help as I delve deeper into the self. Ultimately it is knowledge that brings a person out of their misery, their suffering and ignorance.

All alone? Of course. We all are. They say though, that the deeper one goes into the self, the more one truly sees the connectivity one has with the world and the world becomes an extension of the self. Walking on the path to get there, til then, the lessons will keep on coming.

Oct Quick Update

I don't know where to start... I say that every time.

On one side there is nothing to share, on the other side so much.

There are moments in life where you clearly see that you are at or have passed a fork in the road and that is what I have done.

So many changes.

This is going to be a short update as I want to just tell you what I am up to but am not ready to share it all just yet.

I have moved from the ashram house to a flat. Two weeks of running around, getting this and that, waiting for delivery people, etc was hectic and I am glad its over. My new space is beautiful and completely what I needed. Space for myself was needed for me.

I am learning vedant and philosophy. Topics include different religious outlooks, meditations techniques and philosophers.

My tabla practice is improving. It's gone through lots of ups and downs.

I am going to the gym (getting my aerobic stamina back…) and taking yoga classes and have really improved on my eating habits.

My bookshelf is loaded with philosophy and music books – titles include Intro to Indian Classical Music and this INCREDIBLE book called the Mysticism of Music Sound and Word by Hazrat Inayat Khan. The book perfectly describes why I am studying Indian classical music.

Life is hectic on one side and calm on the other. I am still working with MS and ESI, finishing up the exhibition work for the van, while Parth (the new Indicorp fellow) has taken over other responsibilities.

I am doing a lot of things, time flies by (except sometimes when I sit to practice…), but the lessons keep coming and growth continues to happen.

At some point, I'll write about why music and philosophy. Why I am taking the time to focus on them for a while.

In short, I am doing well. Current plans include returning to the US at some point within the next year. There is no upcoming trip planned as of yet. Will keep you posted.

[09-10] Time for a Time Out

There comes a time when you begin to wonder what really lies beyond the illusion of a world we live
There comes a time when the questions just need answers
There comes a time when you simply ask why?

The time doesn’t arrive for everyone in this lifetime, but it comes no doubt at some point along the journey. The arrival of the moment is not set, though “we” (and by we I mean society – but then what is society besides us?...) tend to say that it is after one has fulfilled one’s obligations – “settled” down, gotten a job, gotten married, had kids, seen your kids have kids, etc…

But I don’t agree with that…

and I have good reason not to… because I am asking those questions now.

Five years since I left home (I got an email about my upcoming 5 year high school reunion…)

Five years since I began to take on life on my own…

Five years of running non-stop. From one activity to the next, from one thing to another.

It’s time to STOP




and breathe.

I’ve been super fortunate you know. I’ve met fantastic people so far on the so-called journey called life. People who know what they want and are doing what they believe in. They are getting up every more (or close enough) looking forward to moving one more step closer to their destination. As Dr. Seuss says they have “feet in their shoes and brains in their heads” and they are “moving in any direction (they) choose.”

In short, they have chosen to be different. To make their mark. Do whatever it takes to follow their dreams.

I’ve been super fortunate you know. I’ve had such a wide variety of events, particularly over the last year and a half. I’ve interacted with poor, been to super-charged places of the world and most importantly, struggled with myself and watched myself through the experiences gaining insight into who “Heena Patel” (whoever that may be) is.

In short, I have experimented. Listened to the voice within. Allowed myself to be guided by the spirit that is connected to the spirit of the universe.

I’ve been super fortunate you know. I have learned and experienced and explored. Learned from these fantastic people, experienced a wide range of emotions, explored ideas and places. In all this, I have progressed, attempting to understand more and more… Now its time to digest.

It’s time for a TIME-OUT.

It’s time to say “see you in a while” to the world and go within. Time to digest the lessons. Find answers to the questions (or dig deeper into the questions). Take more care of myself. Re-evaluate where I am and where I want to go.

I have questions about the reality. I want to develop focus. So for the next few months, I’m moving away from the outside world into the world within. I’ll be meditating, doing yog asan, reading, writing, dramatically increasing my tabla practice and learning philosophy.

So if you don’t hear from me, don’t be offended. I appreciate all the love and support that you all have sending me all this time. I’m following my heart and doing what I need to do to make my life what it can be.

Year in Review

Today a year of volunteering is complete.

The journey has just begun. Lots has happened over the course of the last year. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of frustration, anger, confusion, lots of masti, excitement, love. Ultimately I have been happy through the ups and down, following my heart, trying to listen to the voice within. It hasn't been easy. There have been plenty of moments where I have had my doubts and have been confused and thought it shouldn't be so hard. But I've been blessed with so many people in my life to guide me and support me and bring me back when I venture off a bit too far. Going to Mount Kailash was a powerful journey and many things have happened quite rapidly since then.

Time has come to transition, new way is being lit on the path and the heart compels me to follow the road. There has been immense personal growth in the last five years and its time to really let it all sink in before moving forward. As you might be aware from previous emails ( this and this were the last two), music is playing a larger and larger role in my life and is now a permanent fixture. I don't know what my relationship is going to be with it as the years go on, but somehow I will always be connected to it. So its time for introspection and serious individual learning. I want to be able to practice tabla for 4-5 hours a day instead of barely getting in 1-2 hours (there have been many times where its not even been 3 hours in a week!). I have questions about the world and what reality really is, so I want to understand what the learned has to say, so I will be learning Indian philosophy. I want to have the time to look within, so time to meditate. I want to take care of my body, so yoga/gym. Read and Write. So philosophy and basic tabla training, and while that's happening - yoga, meditate, read, write, play, learn. From there what happens- we'll see.

Before I can take the plunge into indian classical music training I need to complete my basic training. I need to prove to myself and Guru that I am capable of diving in. When I finish my basic tabla training, I'll have a better understanding of how I want music to play a role in my life. Music is an infinite ocean, if i think about swimming across, I'll get frustrated and disappointed. Its really all about enjoying each wave to its fullest. (i mean i get a kick out of my basic compositions...). My personal goal at the moment is to get myself to a playing level where I will be good enough to play a solo at Guru Purnima next year... let's see. (btw that can be Guru Purnima in India or the US since my Guru has schools all over the world).

Essentially it's time for a time-out from the world and time to focus on me and do the stuff I had wanted to do when I came to India. So I am taking the time to learn some of the best things India has to offer the world- its philosophers and music. It's not going to be easy, a lot of people don't understand or get it, but I am ultimately putting 100% trust in myself and inner voice, which is connected to the soul of the universe. Everything will go from there. "Everything is clearer when you are in love" and I am in love- with myself, with music and with the world, so the doors will keep opening when it is meant to be.

So that's the current life and times of Heena Patel. I'm happy and continually marveling at the way the universe works, it really is kya baat hai.

[June 12] Reflection on a year

Note: this is a really random piece of writing. Just writing the words that are moving in head, not really thinking about sentence structure or whether it not makes sense to a reader. It’s thought coming down onto paper (or a laptop screen). Take it as you please.

From the moment a soul is created to the moment that it merges back into the Infinite. The number of times it is born and dies, the number of breaths it takes each time and then of course the souls that is crosses paths with.

I look back at the year and can only marvel at the kamaal of this world and the one who has fashioned it all. As I too have started say saying thanks to the influence of tabla class, kya baat! It is truly a marvel.

One year and 2.5 months ago, I made a decision to trust the universe and its been quite a journey on the path that I have set out on. Really incredible, full of “miracles” and “coincidences”, markers and milestones.

Really quickly into being here, there was the STRONG period of negativity, why am I at this organization, how can something like this be happening, etc, etc. The emotional conversation with Jayeshmama, the tears and removal of doubt. The affirmation that I would not stray from the path because when I begin to veer there are people who will bring me back.

When I graduated, I was sad, well sad is not the right word, but def feeling some remorse about leaving. Not because I would be leaving my friends, because that was inevitable and something that even on a subconscious level I was aware of. Our four years were up and we were going to continue on creating our own destinies and would always stay connected with the certain few. But because I would be physically distancing myself from the people who were my inspiration to trust the universe and through whom I was starting to learn about the path of self-discovery and service. Nipun and Guri were and are such inspirations to me and within those few weeks, I gained so much from their support, stories and words of wisdom. I was moving away physically from the CF group whom I was just starting to get to know.

Soon after I got to India, I realized that I was not left to fend for myself on this journey. From the Bay, I was transported to Manav Sadhna and the hands of Jayeshmama and Anarmami. In them, I found incredible mentors and of course the Manav Sadhna love was more than I could imagine. Just being allowed to be in the space and witness its daily miracles has been a blessing.

Floods came and went, more stories, more experiences, more sharing, more growth. For positive growth to occur of course, negativity must come out. And another period of strong negative energy began, this time confined more to the home than work space. I distinctly remember the conversation with Sonia at Safai Vidhyalay that raised my awareness about the energy field I was emitting. Soon on the heels of that conversation, came the Akanksha retreat and a clear experience of selfless service (as I realized in retrospect). I rode the wave of positive energy that came after for a while.

Few weeks later, I headed south to Tirupati, etc with ESI. I did not realize it then, but many things were in the works in the universe that centered around events and experiences that occurred on this trip. Unaware of the change, but noted by those around me, when I returned from southern India, I was unburdened some.

Right after the Southern India trip, my family arrived and many changes occurred. I was able to deepen relationships with my brother and sister. For the second time in our adult lives, we were able to spend some quality time together, just the three of us. As my family saw my work, the space in which I lived and moved, the understanding between us all grew. Face to face conversations with loved ones after 6 months were more meaningful, we had all grown and importantly, while seeing and experience my life here, I could better explain the stage I was in.

Family left and simultaneously new volunteers arrived and with them came the wave of music and the start of my musical journey. Balaji’s guitar filled the atmosphere with a love for music, Laxmi’s guitar motivated me to act on a desire I too had when coming to India (to take up dance or an instrument) and when the February batch of volunteers came, my world began to sing and move the sound of music. Anjali had mentioned learning tabla in lieu of kathak and my lack of follow-up on kathak led me to start tabla. As I sit here today, I realize that this instrument had always been in the blood. All those moments of my fingers moving as I listen to songs, always thinking at random moments that its cool. BUT I can never say that I always had a burning desire to learn tabla, yes the desire to learn has def crossed my mind on several occasions, but it was never on the forefront. This time it was a comment of Anj’s that sounded cool, that made me think okay kathak or tabla. And I ended up at Rhythm Riders, where another world emerged.

The February volunteers came and went, but the music lived on. The support I have received from the house (Sonia and Anchal and the feb volunteers) that pushed me to keep it up, Jagatbhai’s continual support, it all made a difference.

With the February volunteers, also came a period of deeper personal understanding, revealing conversations and opening up of closed doors. From sharing, came forgiveness. Telling of each experience, fully experiencing it and releasing oneself from it.

March came and went and with April came the All in One project and a month of non-stop rehearsals and of course the amazing chance to choreograph a really cool piece. With the month conclusion came a period of great confusion. Who am I? What makes me tick? Where do I want to go in life?

On All in One’s heels, came Vartik’s wedding and the turbulence of going or not going to Mann Sarovar. Mann Sarovar. Conversations where I received support and invaluable advice, the feeling of the blessings from afar and a personal reaffirmation of faith in the universe, something that was becoming a bit shaky amidst the confusion. Many brought new light and reminders to be patient, trust and enjoy the ride.

And now June is half done. I don’t know where the path leads, but I am blessed to have it connect with those of so many powerful souls. A year ago, I left home not knowing where the path will end and I can’t say now that I know much more, but there is greater awareness and there has been much growth. There is an energy within me and purpose for which I have been born. The signs will direct me as I move along the path. When I look back along the journey so far, I can only marvel at it’s (it being the universe) work.

So many lives, so interconnected. Who knows what our relation was before? Think about each soul and its lives. Each intersection it has with another soul, from its creation to its enlightenment and the thousands of births in between. Jayeshmama, Nipun, Guri, Sonia, Guruji, Anchal, Ankur, Laxmi, my family, all these people who come and go, these “people” are the not the ones who have changed the course of my life, but rather are the milestones and instruments through which the universe has directed my life on its course. And this is only my life… Each person’s life, each person’s interaction with another person, already figured out. It’s all in the master plan, the crossing of my life with yours, yours with your neighbour’s, yours neighbour’s with their employer’s, their employer’s with their relative, their relative’s with their dog, the dog’s with the bird on the tree outside, the bird’s with the worm in the earth, the worm with the bacteria in the mud and it goes on and on and on. All figured out. That is one heck of a master plan.

When I look back at the year I can’t help but marvel and this is but one year of the life on the path… When I think about the larger picture that I fit into, I can’t help but marvel.

Thanks universe for looking out. And I def got to hand it to you.

Sachi mein. Kya baat hai.

Mann Sarovar and Kailash Yatra

Om Namah Shivay Om Namah Shivay
Har Har Bole Namah Shivay

The song of the moment, the song of the yatra

I resisted, resisted till the last. Ultimately, the will was powerless against the will of that which is much greater than I, yet encompasses “I”. You gotta marvel at the way God works. I remember the moment mom called and asked. Outside of tabla class, I quickly said yes without really thinking. I didn’t even know what Mann Sarovar was. It was an impulse, but really with retrospection something else said yes. Two weeks prior something told me I shouldn’t go to Bangalore with MS, so after signing me and mom up, I cancelled and instead signed up for Vipassana, which too was replaced. Mount Kailash, the abode of Shiva was to be the destination…

That was until a week before the trip; when I tell my parents that I am not going… A five hour conversation with my parents in Canada ensued, with me ultimately begrudgingly, yet out of my own will saying I would go.

I made it to Kathmandu, but I can’t say I was really there.

Day 2 Kathmandu: the Nepali agent comes to tell us that our trip has been delayed and our return date to India was uncertain.

Are you kidding me? I had so much to look forward when I got back, I can’t get delayed in getting back to Ahmedabad…

The agent goes on to the talk about the yatra. The trip to Kailash is dreamed by many, but realized by few. There is something that calls devotees to the place. It is a difficult journey based on faith. Your faith ultimately determines you journey and your experiences.

Here I was, going because I had. Still not really knowing where I was going besides of course the obvious that I was going to Shankar’s abode. I wasn’t going with any internal conviction to see the home of the Divine. The Divine instead had called and I was with great internal resistance coming.

As the guide spoke, I couldn’t help but feel that my lack of presence was playing a role in the way plans were panning out. If I was going without faith, how was this journey going to occur or occur smoothly.

Heena, you need to be here. You are in Kathmandu and are going to Kailash. Go with resistance or be here and enjoy these moments.

Deep breath… am going to attempt to be here.

Day 1, Arrival in Kathmandu: Check into the hotel and visit nearby shops, lots of handicraft shops and even a Gandhian org that works with women and children and produces textiles and paper crafts. Make a list of things to buy for people on my return

Day 2: Sight seeing in Bhaktapur and Patan. Beautiful cities and temples. Visit the temple of Pashupatinath. Om namah shivay in on automatic pilot in the head and on the lips.

Day 3: Morning in Kathmandu before we head to Dhulikel where we are put into a 5 star hotel overlooking the valley. Gorgeous view. I roam nearby and end up hanging out with a bunch of kids. We play stella ella ola, thumper and slide. Lots and lots of fun.

Day 4: Sitting on the plateau overlooking the valley, I finally here the voices calling me from the hotel, the buses from Kathmandu had arrived, time to leave. We drive through the mountains of Nepal, gorgeous greenery, reminded me lots of Yosemite and drives towards Kedarnath and Badrinath. End up in Kodari, the border crossing point into Tibet/Nepal. Our passports have yet to arrive from Nepal and when they do the Chinese border is closed (3 hour time difference!) so we spend in the night in Kodari. In the evening I had a LOT of fun helping serve the group that was traveling with us from Hyderabad and the rest of our group. Reminded me of serving at Seva Café which I haven’t done in a LONG time.

Day 5: Cross the border into China. After immigration and customs, we get into jeeps and drive towards Nyalam, the first high altitude stop on our route at 3500 ft. The drive is fairly smooth and we quickly move out of green mountains into rocky and barren land. We spend the night in Nyalam. Abhinav Uncle knew about a Buddhist temple nearby, which is really nice. A scene I will not forget is when the cars first stop for a pee break. All around, men had their backs to the line of 15 jeeps, peeing away without a car, while the women all stayed in the car…

Day 6: The hardest day of the trip. From 3500 ft we climb to 5000 ft and drop back down to 4300 ft to land in the city of Saga. Me being so smart, decided not to take Diamox, medication for altitude sickness until I really needed it, but it should be taken the day before big altitude changes, so I end up having a non-stop headache and nausea, which prevents me from really enjoying the scenery and waiting for Saga. En route is Shiva Tal, a beautiful blue lake. Some memorable moments include 5-6 land cruiser driving across the plateau at one time, feeding the animals wherever we stop and the amazing contrasts in the landscape- from the step terraces to barren lands with small clusters stopping the land here and there to the sands of Jaisalmar with snow-capped mountains in the background. Again I am wish I could remember my geology class as I see the beautiful shades of minerals in the land. In Saga, we thankfully had really a really nice hotel (saga hotel) with no central heating, but hot water, clean beds and attached bathrooms versus the common bathroom between 60 people we had the day before. As soon I got to the hotel, I jumped into bed and tried to doze off, but the headache would not go away. The internal struggle with God began, resulting in my ultimately taking on his challenge. I’m here, I had faith, you have brought me here for a reason for which I am grateful. I will not go back and trust. After some throwing up and a hot shower, it was bed time, knowing the morning would bring a brighter day.

Day 7: Day three of travel. Again most of the driving is done on the plateaus, this time we stop in one of the clusters for dinner and I get a lesson in always remembering to feed the black dogs. Sanitation facilities continue to be a problem while traveling, but we have a good driver. When we told me we needed to pee, he would make it a point to spot in places where there is a mound of dirt so some place where we could answer nature’s call away from the view of other stopped or driving vehicles. It is our first night in mud houses. There is a toilet (a hole over a large pit) with walls on all sides, away from the view others, clean and not that smelly. I get a chance to hang out with more of the fellow travelers, learning some valuable lessons and sharing experiences growing up and living in North America. It was great to be able to talk out some of the internal confusion. At night the stars were stunning, so close by.

Day 8: Mann Sarovar. You climb up the hill and driver circles around a large pole with prayer flags eminating like rays in all directions before he comes to a halt. Just below the large plateau a crystal blue lake stood in front of us. Om Namah Shivay Om Namah Shivay Har Har Bole Namah Shivay. We had made it to Mann Sarovar. After doing initial darshan of the holy lake, we begin our parikrama (by car), stopping to have lunch on the banks of mann sarovar, where we dip our hands for the first time in the waters, with Kailash showing clearly in the background. Our parikrama takes us by Rakshas Tal, the home of the dark side of Mount Kailash (now not so dark, since due to an animal made tunnel, water from Mann Sarovar have entered into Rakshas or Ravan Tal). The hotels on the banks of Mann Sarovar are booked, so we end up spending the night in tents on the banks. Not a big deal for me, but quite problematic for all the uncles and aunties who had never been in a tent, let alone in such cold weather (the winds were super strong and cold). As night falls, the wind begin to let us and the stunning night emerges with stars covering the canvas overhead, but it was only twelve. The stars would not come to take a dip in Mann Sarovar until 3am. We end up hanging in the jeep until 12ish (under the cover of our sleeping bags) before deciding to retire and wake up it is meant to be at 3am. I awake from my sleep as I hear Aunty and Uncle stir beside me. It’s 330am. I head out into the cold and find Mahesh Uncle wrapped under a sleeping bag staring at the lake and sky. The formerly clear night has turned into one full of clouds and only a few stars were in sight. We stop a few that began sparkling, from the left to straight ahead, three formed a triangle. The one across the lake began some downward movement. As I focused ahead, knowing that it would not take a dip, but nonetheless was moving, the star turned into a lingam and began rotating around the vertical axis. Then it began to snow. Wetness. One of the three things to AVOID when camping in cold weathers. Gathering our sleeping bags, we headed back to our tents around 430am.

Day 9: New morning, new day. The sun rose ever so beautifully over the lake, sharing its splendor and heat with those below. After helping pack up camp, it was time to move to the base of Kailash, 40 km away. The snow fall from the night before spelt bad news – the parikrama of Mount Kailash (which is done on foot) would not be possible. The schedule regardless was to start the parikrama the next day so we ended up just hanging out in the hotel. The hotel was more like a concrete tent, a step better than the tents we were in, but the sanitation facilities were horrendous. As you walked outside the hotel complex, you couldn’t help but notice the open defecation EVERYwhere you looked. The toilets smelled so bad that I didn’t even bother going inside. One purpose of the walk outside the compound was actually also to identify a place for defecation the next morning. On the positive side, the views were beautiful, you could see the stunning snow-capped mountain ranges and when it began semi-clear for a few minutes the next day, Mount Kailash was visible also. You had to admire the persistence of the Tibetan women (and few men) who came to the hotel selling their handicrafts, determination is most definitely necessary.

Day 10: Stuck in the “hotel” Snow fall meant no parikrama as it meant the situation higher up was worse than the conditions where we were. There was very poor visibility in the morning due to the snowfall. In the afternoon, around three, the sun emerged and great visibility. Frustrations built as we wanted to go explore things nearby, but the drivers and cars were no where to be found. A theme that occurred during the trip was frustrations with the way the trip was being handled by the company. The next complex of rooms behind us had attached bathrooms, while our rooms had the common outdoors, poorly kept toilets. Of course, foreigners were staying in the rooms with attached bathrooms. When we arrived to the base camp of Kailash, a tour group was leaving and we were told that 10 ppl attempted the parikrama of which 5 died, whether or not this is true we are not sure. But the group of 48 from Hyderabad that was traveling along side us took the decision to head back down on this day as a few were getting sick. We were told that a few of the elders were having difficulty breathing and were on oxygen all night, on our way down when we reconnected, we found out that they were only on oxygen for 2 hours and that many weren’t sick. But these were all tactics to scare people and motivate them to want to leave sooner (which ultimately results in savings for the tour operator). Def some very questionable statements were made to us and the other group while on the trip.

Day 11: Fortunately, our tour guide, it was his first time working with Satyam, had a good heart and was trying his best despite having his hands restrained by the company to make the best of the situation. So unlike the other groups who came up the Kailash at the same time as us and were also unable to parikrama, we were atleast taken to Yama Dwar, the location where the parikrama of Kailash begins. This location has a lot of significance for Buddhists also and on Buddha Purnima (which happened to be a few days away) all the lamas in Tibet gather at this location and the prayer flags are replaced. A mini Kailash stands next to the prayer flags and it is said that if you cannot do Kailash parikrama, then parikrama of mini Kailash is still valid. In the distance lay a hill with a flat plateau at the top. This is the location where the Buddhist cut up their dead and leave the pieces for vultures and dogs. From Yama Dwar (the Gate of Death) you could the see the path that wraps its way around the holy mountain. We stopped and paid our respects. From Yama Dwar, we went to Ashtapad. The cars went over a half frozen river to get there. The previous day, the clouds had not let up over Kailash, preventing us from an extended darshan from the hotel, but today as soon as we reached, the cloud parted and sun shone brightly. In its full form stood Nandi and Mount Kailash in front of us. We had beautiful darshan for a good half an hour. Two to three times during this time, the shadows of the clouds fell upon Kailash in the shape of Aum and slowly rose to the peak of Kailash. We were at the closest point Mount Kailash. At this location, it is said that if you build a house of rocks that you will get a home. After quenching our thirst for darshan, we headed back to the hotel. The sun was shining, it was the perfect time for a dip in Mann Sarovar. After lunch, which took about an hour, we drove the 40km to the holy lake. By this time, the wind had begun to pick and sun was on the descent. With the last rays of sunlight lighting up the spot where we parked beside the lake, most of us took the plunge in the cold cold water. It took over a half an hour for my toes to regain proper feeling. A lot of respect to Abhinav Uncle who dunked himself around 20 times in the lake and also to the staff who spent over an hour filling container after container of water for us all. After bathing, the Jaipur travelers performed a haven on the banks of the lake, by this time the sun’s rays no longer reached over the large hill behind us and the wind was even stronger. Upon returning to the hotel, we all warmed up with Bournvita and/or chai. The next day was Mom’s birthday and Gurudev had been planning since the day he found out it was to be her birthday during the trip. At midnight, we all went to Gurudev’s room, where he had saved the best mithai for the occasion. Suresh Uncle had saved FerroRoche chocolate also. Mom gave out chocolates and Baba’s prasad. It was truly Mom’s good fortune to be able to celebrate her birthday like this, as Baba’s disciples told us, Swami doesn’t participate in worldy activities, but he took special interest in celebrating this birthday. Also we were in the holy grounds of Kailash and Mann Sarovar for the date.

Day 12: In the morning we packed up quickly as we had a LONG drive ahead of us. We were going to cut a day of travel and go straight to Saga, where we had the hotel with attached bathrooms and hot water. The drive really took a lot out of us. When we got to Saga, the hotel (Saga Hotel) was completely booked so they put us in a hotel across the street. They did not plan the sanitation facilities well for the space and I believe did not put in an exhaust pipe for the sewage, which lead to the formation of very bad odors in the bathrooms. There was no hot water, but Vikas Uncle was determined to have a hot shower and found a shower shop. 10 yuen for 15 minute shower. A hot shower def took away some of the tiredness.

Day 13: Another long day of driving. Over 350 people were descending from Mount Kailash while hundreds more were climbing because of Buddha Purnima which was two days later. This meant accommodations were packed and the crossing the border could take a long time. So we decided to stop right at the border with plans to get in line before the group of 200 the following morning. The drive was another long drive, particularly because we were stopped at a roadblock for 3 hours and then stuck in lots of traffic. While we waited for the roadblock to open, I was hanging out with Vikas Uncle, Abhinav Uncle and Vamshi in their jeep, while my land cruiser was first in line. When the block went up, I didn’t make it to my jeep and it didn’t stop… I jumped into another one of our jeeps until we caught up with my vehicle in Nyalam.
Day 14: After chai, we were in line for immigration. Long lines of land cruisers and pilgrims could be found at the road block. We cleared customs quickly and waited for our land cruisers to come across. After saying adieu to our land cruisers, we entered back into Nepal via the friendship bridge at Kodari, where we had bfast and found out that the handbag of one of our fellow travelers was lost. Several phone calls and a few hours later, the bag was returned and we proceeded towards Kathmandu. The travel company sent a bus for 16, while there were 18 pilgrims and a staff of 5 in the group. Slightly cramped, we made our way down through the beautiful, lush green mountains of Nepal. I def would want to go back with my Cal Engineers for a month where we would trek, go white water rafting, etc in the great outdoors of Nepal. It would be lots of fun. The scenery at times reminded me of Yosemite. TBPers- whenever I do outdoors stuff, I think of you all very fondly. Zack’s teachings about backpacking came in handy and of course all the experiences of camping trips helped on this journey. In the evening, we reached Kathmandu and said our farewells. Very few of us had our return tickets finalized, but it was likely to be the last we would see of each other for a while.

The trip had its ups and downs, def learned lots about the wonderfulness of travel agents who are out to earn as much as possible and capitalize on the pilgrim’s sentiments. Like with all other religious yatras, tour companies had sprouted up to facilitate the process for pilgrims. Unlike Chote Char Dham (Badri-Kedarnath, Yamnotri, Gangotri), Kailash is not a yatra that can be done independently, but there def are certain tour companies that are better than others. Satyam Travels, the agent that we ended up with via via three other agents is NOT RECOMMENDED. You could tell that they were doing all that was possible to save costs, even at the expense of the comfort of their travelers. On such a difficult yatra, the lack of sanitation facilities can really break down the morale and a few comments here and there can most definitely make people want to leave. One of the uncles on the trip was saying how a friend had actually warned him that we would not be doing the parikrama of Kailash as many travel companies somehow or another convince the group otherwise. For us, snow was a valid reason (though on the third day at base camp when we went to Yama Dwar, the location where the parikrama actually begins, we saw a group of foreigners being led on the trek….) It was blessing to have Baba on the trip. Out of all those that went to Kailash when we did, no one got the wonderful darshan of Kailash and Nandi as we did and few even when to Yama Dwar. Baba’s presence and blessings played a large role in us getting the most that was possible from the trip.

Of course, the trip wouldn’t have been complete without the countless conversations with Abhinav Uncle (thank you for your insights and advice), Vikas Uncle (who is always great for a laugh and conversations about toilets ;) and Vamshi (the only other person my age on the trip). There were LOTS of conversations about toilets (naturally) and it goes without saying, internal reflection and growth.

Personal note on me and yatra:
A season for all, a time for everything.

I can only bow my head in gratitude when I think about how the universe literally forced me on this yatra. End of April/May was a period of great confusion (which still persists, but in a different way now…) and frustration. My patience has been growing thin as the path has not emerged. But through the internal struggles of the yatra and encouraging conversations, my faith in the universe was re-established. At Yama Dwar, I surrendered myself again to the higher forces. At Mann Sarovar, I threw four minds in the lake (in the form of pearls) and left with a firm resolve to trust. A burden was cast off during the yatra, lighter and with full faith I move forward again. The period of confusion, in a different form now, is to be rough the confusion with lots of patience, love and humility.

Quick Update

Hello all

Quick update:

April was a busy busy month. I was diverted from the Service on Wheels project to help out with Manav Sadhna's ALL IN ONE project. A project that brought together Hindu and Muslim children post riot to share their views on religious harmony. Over the course of two years the youth produced a play, writing the dialogues and song lyrics. At the end of April, they had a huge show at Tagore Hall with lights, newly composed music and a dance. A youth in the project, Bharat (who was also part of the Ekta team that went to the US in 2002) and I choreographed the dance and I was an actor in the show due to last minute need. We had great great fun and youth are amazing, it you want to see harmony, watch them hen they are just hanging out.

initial part of May was spent catching up on Service on Wheels work before Vartik (rohitkaka's son) got married in Ahmedabad. Now Im out of India for three weeks travelling to Mann Sarovar, Mount Kailash (in Tibet) with my mom. Time to spend some quality moments with nature. Currently in Kathmandu leaving for the Chinese/Tibet border in a day.

Pretty blessed... three major jatras in 11 months; Char Dham, Tirupati/Rameshwaram and now Kailash.

be back in a few weeks to share stories and pictures
love
heena

the beat that goes on

You sing me a song
I know not the tune
But the body and mind sway
Left right
Left right
Sway

The tune stirs not a memory
But a feeling a joy
The beat draws up a rhythm
Where have I heard this before
Or have i

I know yet cannot decipher
Its is something innate
Yet lost
Perhaps because it is so known
Known to the soul

The beat comes alive
In the hands of the drummer
Each sound resonates with vibrancy
With care
With emotion
With hope and potential

On it goes
Permeating the being
Straight to the root
The root or the soul
The soul or the root
The place where it all begins
And it all ends
The consciousness
Subconscious consciousness I suppose
(or is it a consciousness at all?)

No end
No start
Simply a cycle that goes on and on
Each beat join the next
Each bol alive on its own
Yet realized with each other

You sing me a song
I know not the tune
Or is it my imagination
Is it really something I already know.

Where has she disappeared

You ask where she went
I don’t really know
You see some time ago
The energy subdued
The enthusiasm dimmed
It evaporated, dissipitated, went up on a whim
But wait doesn’t make sense
It couldn’t disappear, it’d have to transform
To the conservation of matter, we must conform
The energy has changed and moved
Exchanged its shape for another one or two

You see glimpses now
Of who I used to be
A little bit here, or there, or there
When you think you see it all
Poof, its gone in thin air
The magic
The joy
Its shifted to a space that’s not so public at all

The energy ‘s transforming
Whirling and whirling
Creation, re-creation can be seen everywhere
The new shape, new face, new image
Each blurs into the other,
The final face has yet to take form

Form, colour, codes and numbers
Shifting and shifting
Whirling and whirling
Where has she gone you ask
I do not know

I didn’t even know she was missing
Or did I and not desire to acknowledge it
Did I see that she was missing
And not know what to do

What point to hold on to sand as it pours from the hand
Feel the texture of the change
Get lost in the moment of that

It was meant to be
Inevitable
But do come back and share
The laughter, the joy, the carefree oblivion
When pessimism sets me in
Do remind me one more
Of those moments of freedom
When something filled the air

The laughter the joy the freedom
Why is it not something we can all share?

8 months later

Dearest friends,

Every time I sit to write, I think back to when I last wrote and can't help but feel a it overwhelmed by the amount of experiences I have had and more importantly the task (though task really is not the right word) of writing it all down. Sonia tells me I should write everyday, which I should, but writing takes a LOT of time, I've learned. It's all about the balancing act. When you seem to find it, something comes to tip it to one side. I want to share all that has happened, yet the question becomes how. Its been a lot easier for example with my brother and sister since they have seen it, meet the people and felt the love and environment I am in, nonetheless, you're not seeing doesn't deter me from the effort, but rather motivates me to put it all down so I can truly share my world and my life, which is wholly supported by the love and encouragement that each of you are sending me from all over the world. These emails are novels, I agree, they are by no means written in one sitting, so take breaks in reading! =)

Turn on your music and if you have the song "Jiya Dhadak Dhadak" from the movie "Kaalyug", listen to it. It'll transport you to the space that I am in. It's been the theme song for the last two months.

So the last two months:

We'll let's start with the present (which now at the moment of typing is now 1.5 weeks ago). I am in Varanasi/Benares/Kashi, the oldest city in India, for my roommate Anchal's engagement. We missed the train (which wasn't my fault) and caught a flight to Delhi from where we made the rest of journey by train with Laxmi and Sonia, who Krupa, Anchal and I met up with. I'm traveling with my tablas, which can be a pain, but they have become such a big part of my life, that tablas are not a burden, but my tablas. One week without practicing would be really hard.

I spent Holi and Duleti with the MS (Manav Sadhna) gang in the Narmada Valley. Great great weekend. Played duleti with coloured powder outside a Shiva temple that is from the Puranas time, where we also sang bhajans. Singing bhajans (devotional songs) at this temple is a fond memory because I was able to share this with Virenmama who is a very devoted Shaivite (Shiva devotee). We played duleti (covering each other with coloured powder) along the banks and in the Narmada river. Holi is the festival of colour and is celebrated with a huge fire on the night of Holi and with colour fights on the day of Duleti (after Holi). We did a lot of masti (mischief) and ate lots. We got to see the inside of the hydroelectric plant in the dam and WHOA are dams huge! As for my views on the Sardor Sarovar dam itself, they are continually evolving as I meet different people and learn more about it. (the dam interestingly enough is the reason I decided to do environmental engineering emphasis and became so interested in water and sanitation).

The month of February was international volunteering month at MS, meaning that we had an influx of volunteers from the US and UK who came to serve for the month. We had 8 female volunteers. We moved out of the ashram house (Jayeshmama's old home in the Gandhi Ashram itself, used by the female volunteers) in early January because of renovations to the home. (As I write I realize that I have not shared pictures of the most basic places in my life, namely the ashram house, MS, ESI, Safai Vidhylay, which I will be doing shortly). We moved into the dormitories of Safai Vidhyalay (I believe my blog has a posting on all the organizations, how they are related, etc). Moving to Safai was a great experience. The day we moved in Safai, Laura (or "mom" as she is called by hundreds), a Be the Cause volunteer who came on a service vacation to MS last year, moved into Safai also. Laura, amongst other things, is an extremely loving, huggable mom, who is spreading seeds of love wherever she goes. Literally she is a mom to everyone. The dorm brought us all closer together for many reason. The atmosphere really seemed to change. Part of it is the strength of the space itself, Safai being the karmabhoomi (land of action) for some many powerful people, part it being that every new visitor/volunteer (Guri's friend Sandy from Cali, an Australian woman named Linda that Sandy met on her travels, Maria from Alaska) brought a new energy of positivity to the space. And then there is the fact we were all in one space. Very powerful connections were created in that space. In the first two weeks, Snehal arrived from for 6 weeks, Sandy and Linda for 4 days, Maria for 2 weeks. It was the beginning of daily 11pm chats to catch up on the day and each others' experiences. A few weeks later, Krupa from Cali, Binisha and Ekta from the UK and of course Laxmi from the UK was still with us. A blurb on each of these fabulous females below is on my blog for those interested. The ritual of daily chai (made wonderfully by Ramanbhai) and Parle-G's and hanging out with ESI sevaks (Nareshbhai, Govindbhai, Laxmiben, Jayantikaka, Ramanbhai) had begun as soon we got to Safai. The staff lavished us with love.

The last two months have flown by. I moved back to the ashram home with a bathroom that looks like its from a really nice hotel and Safai Vidhyalay's dormitory is bare. I returned from Benares and the volunteers were gone. Krupa left last night. It's me and Anchal and Sonia in the house, but Sonia too leaves for Mexico at the end of the month. No more 8 girls living together (until the summer I guess). This week since I've gotten back has been of internalizing and focusing more on myself and my work, which has its own advantages

The volunteers have been an experience in itself. Specifically the women I lived with. Observing teaches you so much, I realize time and time again when I actually observe. Each volunteer comes for a different reason and from a different space. To watch them as they go through their own process over the course of the month or months that they are here is very very powerful. I see the struggles that I had when I started and watch them encounter things I have no yet experienced. Each volunteer teaches you something about yourself. Laxmi and Krupa didn't really want to come to their last prathna because that's when everyone talks about your good qualities and shares their appreciation. It is their humbleness that makes them uncomfortable in such a situation, but on the other side I see the reason for the practice to be different. This gundarshan (viewing of good qualities) is very powerful for the listeners and sharers because it allows us to reflect upon what we have learned from that individual, making it more easy to internalize those lessons. Also it is a moment of inspiration as we reflect upon the qualities of the person in ourselves and find the motivation to develop those skills in ourselves. We have an example to look to, which makes it easier to hone that skill.

Two things are the focal points my life. Music and the Service on Wheels project. A small thing on both are below , more on it is on my blog .

Music
Music has taken on a new dimension in my life and I'm loving it. Listening to great music, singing and playing tabla are staple activities in my life now. Music is infusing every part of my body and soul and in the process making me more in turn to the music of the universe. Tabla is particular is something I am really doing for myself. It is my grounding. I am so blessed to have the Guruji I have – Pandit Divyang Vakil. Guruji not only is an accomplished musician, but more importantly he is extremely personable. He is a philosopher and I love the conversations I have with him. Music is intricately linked to spirituality and Guruji has a strong understanding of both. I always look forward to classes.

Music is something that is felt by so many here. The people at the home (the volunteers) and MSers are so supportive of my musical pursuit which makes is easier to overcome challenges and find the motivation to stay focused and practice.

Service on Wheels
The service on wheels project is Virenmama, Jayeshmama and Anarmami's 16 year old dream project- to have a van that will travel in the villages doing service work. Their dream is finally coming through. ESI is creating a Service on Wheels van that will travel the villages of Gujarat doing 5 day camps in each. We aim to provide information and motivation focusing on five topics: water sanitation, health, addiction and education, specifically female education; the underlying theme for the project is empowerment, to empower villagers to take their future in their own hands.

The van is being designed by Prakashbhai Vani (graduate of the first batch of students from the National Institute of Design) and his team at Playtpus Labs. I am the project coordinator, in addition to being responsible for developing the IEC (information, education, communication) material for the van. Which entails giving ESI's existing material a facelift and additional punch by incorporating new technologies and gathering and creating the materials for the other exhibitions. Panels, games, presentations, the works on each topic. I am working with an animation designer, Sakshi, who is student at the National Institute of Design (NID).

The project is quite a bit of work and on a tight detail, which means running, but that is completely okay. It is nice to have a focus and good to have a reason to not jump from one thing to another since I have a large load with this project itself. I'm having tons of fun working with Sakshi, its awesome to have someone my age to work with and I'm learning loads about what good and effective IEC. Toilets of course are a lot of fun and we have seen quite a variety of scenes as we have been taking pictures in villages for our panels and animated film. In fact, I've even had to go on a hunt for newly made defecation, which surprisingly wasn't so difficult to find, even though it was almost 11am.

Creating effective IEC material is most definitely a challenge, especially since I have not spent much time in villages, but I have lots of great resources. I did an overnight stay in a village called Haripura, which was great fun and just reinforced the idea that has been at the back of my head about village life being the life, so much more grounded and organic. Then you see the villages that aren't so clean, don't have as much prosperity and wonder where the middle ground all is. Something about the village definitely resonates somewhere inside, my understanding it, we'll its all a process.

In all, I'm happy. I'm enjoying the ups and downs. It's very powerful space to be in when you can recognize the ups and downs and be somewhat equanimous during the downs in particular.

There have been some great discussions, lots of thoughts continually evolving, and such the journey continues.

I've been trying to find my own balance and after getting inspiration from 2 Daily Good emails 2 months apart, have been really good about keeping a daily gratitude list, most of which are posted online. They give a small glimpse into my day. It seems to be working atleast in that I end my days on a good note since I write my list before going to bed. That and listening to some good music makes sleep so much more peaceful.

Another novel now comes to an end. For those that made it through, kudos to you.

With lots of love, good wishes and gratitude
Heena

Music and Me

When I returned from Mumbai in January, a volunteer named Balaji, student at MIT, came to MS for two weeks through Project Ahimsa with a goal doing music related work. He didn’t join in on a music program at MS, since at current there is a standstill, but that didn’t stop him from sharing the music. At Seva Café and MS, he strummed away on his guitars, lifting hearts with the notes in his songs. He infused more music into Manav Sadhna, providing Laxmi with additional inspiration, reminded Sandeepbhai of his previous guitar endeavours. His smile and enthusiasm of course made him even more loved. The girls at Safai took a trip to Sarkhej Roza, which Balaji joined us on. In the MS car, he pulls out his guitar and all of sang and listened as we made our way across town. The ripple effect of Balaji’s presence still persist. Laxmi and him pushed me towards taking up Kathak or tabla, tabla winning out. Sunilbhai considered the violin and has decided on the flute, under Ankur’s influence. Sandeepbhai and Sikhander are learning guitar. The ripples continue.

For me, music has taken on a whole new dimension in life. Bharatbhai left Manav Sadhna for a teaching post at Gurukul, so prathna was empty without his singing. Soon after he left, Laura came to MS and that day, Virenmama asked if anyone wanted to sing. Be the influence of Balaji, the presence and love emitted by Laura or this bhajan being remembered from the time Akanksha students came for the retreat, the desire to sing emerged. I didn’t sing that day, but the next day at Saturday prathna. The response was powerful. During college, when I would talk and listen to Shalin and Trent with their singing pursuits, the desire to sing would come up. Some point along the way, I stopped singing because of my deep voice, but that began to get replaced with an appreciation for its “uniqueness”.

So singing began. Every week, a bunch of the MS staff always encourages me to sing a bhajan. From there, remembering old ones and learning the words of new bhajans has been spurned. I now sing randomly to myself and yes, listen to songs and practice while listening to the song. Having Jagatbhai to play the tablas as accompaniment makes singing so enjoyable and I look forward to singing at prathna. I got sick while in Benaras, which has left my voice hoarse or inaudible for a week or so, my first thought when I got sick was that I wouldn’t be able to sing.

Tablas. It’s been two months since I have begun tabla and I haven’t looked back. I love it. Tablas keep me grounded and is something that is just for me. I am so blessed to have the Guruji I have – Pandit Divyang Vakil. Guruji not only is an accomplished musician, but more importantly he is extremely personable. He is a philosopher and I love the conversations I have with him. Music is intricately linked to spirituality and Guruji has a strong understanding of both. Classes are a lot of fun. The teachers are very cool people. Music is their grounding. It’s an outlet for me to interact with other people beside those I work with, which is very nice and they are really talented. I always look forward to going to class, well maybe not so much on the days that I haven’t practiced enough… =)

Music is really important to people I work with, particularly Jagatbhai, Krupa, Laxmi and Sonia. When I started tabla, I was practicing on the Manav Sadhna tabla before prathna. Jagatbhai would arrive early in general and just sit while I struggled with the most basic tabla bols. His presence and support have been huge. If I ever think of quitting (knock on wood), the first words that are going to come to mind are jagatbhai saying, “Heenaben, tabla chalu karya che, uve ene chhodata nahi” (Heena, you have started tabla, never leave them). His skills always are an inspiration. One fond memory of Narmada weekend for Holi is hanging out with him and Raju as Rajubhai sang bhajans and Jagatbhai played the tabla. Laxmi, especially has been so encouraging. As I banged away trying to make some noise from the tabla, she’d always listening with a smile and ask how practices are going. Many of the volunteers especially love good music, ghazals, soft music you name it. Their love for music and the contentment they get from listening to music has only pushed me further to bring music more and more into my life.

When we went to Narmada, several people brought music players. From them, I remembered the ipod mom had given me months ago, tucked away in a bag and pulled it out when I got back. Now the ipod, loaded with some great songs, of course Kailasa Kher and the hanuman chaleesa, goes with me everywhere and before bed, its all about listening to soft Indian fusion music.

How dance fits into all of this I am trying to figure out. A wonderful girl (I say girl for people similar in age to me) named Malavika, who is a friend of Ankur’s stopped over in Ahmedabad. She does wonderful pieces of dance theatre that are moving to watch. Seeing her work was very inspirational.

An ode to women of Safai Vidhyalay

The month of February was in international volunteering month at MS, meaning that we had an influx of volunteers from the US and UK who came to serve for the month. These women each have so much to offer. I learned a lot from living with them all. Here’s an ode to these fabulous women.

The volunteers

Laxmi
It’s really hard to describe Lax because you don’t know where to start. She always has a smile on her face. No matter how many things she is doing, when she talking to you, she’s focused on you. She has taught me so much about dedication and the small things. She didn’t work on any large project, but did all the litte things that can get easily overlooked. Daily tutoring for Raghu and Yogesh in English, spending time with Herama and Kantima in the tekra, two elderly women who bloomed with her companionship and love, tutoring Sandeepbhai for exams, etc. Laxmi took time off between jobs in the UK to come to MS for 3 months to volunteer, I love her dedication to this dream of hers and the perspectives and grounding that she offered me. It was when Laxmi came home with her guitar that I really got the kick that I should start pursuing my other goal of taking up tabla or Kathak while in India. I mean if she could follow up on her dream while her for 3 months, I had already let 6 months pass by. The push to start something came from that day.

Krupa
So I met Krupa last year at Miles for Smiles, a CharityFocus event, where we stood at intersections holding up signs that asked people to smile. The eldest of the volunteer (not counting Laura), Krupa just came with a desire to serve as she waited to hear back from graduate programs. A philosopher at heart, she has a lot of knowledge and is a true seeker of knowledge. She kick started the solid waste management program in the slum, where she installed waste bins in the homes and taught about proper garbage disposal. She’s super meticulous in her work and really gives everything a lot of thought. Krupa’s avid interest in music has been a big force in music becoming a larger part of my life. I learned a lot from watching Krupa and seeing her open up over the course of the month. MS really is a place where you can learn to trust your heart because there is so much love and support.

Snehal
We had quite the myriad of volunteers. Snehal is the first married volunteer that I have met. Her maturity and level-headedness are things that really stick out. It’s what made it so easy to talk to her. She worked primarily with Gramshree teaching classes on mental health. She instantly connected with the women at Gramshree and it was so awesome to see her take such a sincere interest in their lives and well-being. Snehal’s love for animals cannot be forgotten. From the bhes (water buffalos) behind Safai, to the baby bakri (goat) and “jadu padu”, a puppy she nicknamed, at the tekra, her face lit up when talking about her animals. Snehal also came to India with a desire to take intensive Kathak classes. While most people say they want to something like that, they don’t follow up. Snehal did, which helped keep me going in tabla pursuit.

Payal
Hailing from New Jersey, Payal has been at 4-5 months at MS, working both at an organization called Sahyog in Jamalpur and Manav Sadhna (splitting the week between the two). Payal is a model of focus. As it is, it can be hard to focus while working just at MS, but Payal was able to find her focus at both orgs. She’s very focused and organized, continually working away to get whatever needs to be done done. After overcoming the initial hurdles of teaching tuitions, she found a her own of working within the system and left behind great documentation and suggestion for improvements. Despite her persistent cold and other hurdles, she persisted in her work and her own journey.

Binisha
Taking a gap year between high school and college, at the age of 18, Binisha took the leap of faith and came to India on her own to serve for a month and travel, something that takes a lots of guts. You don’t find many high school graduates doing that. Binisha has a ridiculous amount of energy and often reminded me of me a few years ago (tho it seems like YEARS ago when I was 18). She did capacity building work at Utthan and UK marketing work with Gramshree and of course served religiously at Seva Café. She carried her enthusiasm and smile everywhere she went and soaked up everything that was through at her.

Ekta
As with Binisha, coming to India at such a young age to serve is really inspirational. A friend of Binisha’s, hailing from Malawi, studying in the UK, Ekta thought the India trip would be interesting so came. Pretty cool. Ekta’s heart is what draws you to her. She’s full of compassion. She became good friends with the girls in the Young Doctors, youth who don’t get to interact with international volunteers. To hear her talk about the girls, her learnings was really powerful and she even got interested in toilets! Ekta loves to dance and she channeled this energy into teaching the Ashramshala girls dance, even if it was only for 2 weeks. The girls adore Ektadidi and I remember her last class. I was still in Nainaben’s office and hear “disco” music. I look outside and Ekta and all the girls were just jamming to music. You could find Ekta amidst all the girls who were all over her. Ekta also has a beautiful voice and really sings Jiya Dhadak Dhadak Jaye from the heart, making it the theme song of Safai. (she also the one who taught me the words).

Laura
Laura, amongst other things, is an extremely loving, huggable mom, who is spreading seeds of love wherever she goes. Literally she is a mom to everyone. She is a mentor, a great listener and very wise from the heart. Truly working from heart, listening to the voice of the Divine and moving the music of the universe, Laura is an beautiful soul, infusing the universe and people with more love and positive energy.

Sandy
A friend of Guri’s, Sandy was traveling through Asia for over 3 months, technically alone, but of course has found many companions. After Asia, she came into India and wanted to make way to Dharamshala, but didn’t have a travel buddy, when she met Linda (see below) and the two were traveling through India together until either got sick of each other. Sandy came to Asia with a desire to travel, no other set plans and a whole lot of courage and fearlessness. She simply has been following the winds of the universe, with a few places in mind that she wanted to visit. Over 3 months of traveling alone, leaving everything behind on a journey that inevitably teaches one about self. Sandy always had a smile on her face and really took everything in around her. She shared her art of tarot reading (which she just picked up and knew how to do), her wisdom and of course heart with all of us. Inspiring us all to take that journey into the unknown for ourselves. I def got inspired to backpack an unknown part of the world.

Linda
Another woman with a desire to explore the unknown, Linda also set to India to discover its beauty and found its love and depth. It’s takes so much to just pick up and leave without a set time frame of return and the fact that Linda was going to a place that she had no visible ties to is remarkable. Her enthusiasm and desire to do whatever she could in her short time was great to see.

Maria
Her class came to Ahmedabad to take a two week course at Darpana, Maria decided to spend those two weeks volunteering. Armed with experiences in orphanages all over the world, this Alaskan, has seen a lot of the non-so cold parts of the world. The amazing thing about Maria was her willingness to literally do anything that needed to be done. She wasn’t fussed about working in the field, she just wanted to do whatever would be of use to the organization. So she spent learning about our organizations and interacting with beneficiaries through the visits, while

Ankur
Not really a “women at Safai”, but nonetheless needs to mentioned. Last year, Ankur did the Dandi March with zero rupees and two pairs of clothes he made. A world citizen with an Indian soul, Ankur is a powerful soul seeking out truth in the world. A fabulous cook, all about healthy, grounded food, I met Ankur last year two days before he headed back to Washington State where he has started the foundations of an ashram. Ankur is a great listener and has something in him that makes you want to share with him and he plays the flute with great heart. The stories that carries with him from his travels and interactions really reassure you that you are not alone in your journey and experiences.

Of course, a side perk of all these international volunteers is that when I do travel, I have potential travel buddies and of course couches to crash on all over the world ; )

Trusteeship

The concept of trusteeship is very powerful and I can honesty that that I am only beginning to scratch the surface of what it means. Trusteeship, as I read at Eternal Gandhi, is the idea that those that have much are trustees of what actually belongs to all of the world. Nirali had mentioned this idea to me months back, the idea that all that we have really belongs to the poor, so when we serve, we are giving back to them what is actually there. “It’s a very profound idea,” she said, pausing to allow the thought to sink in. I recognized that there was great depth to the concept, but I did not get it in all honesty. Now I’m beginning to understand.

When one thinks that all that one has belongs to oneself, where does the universe fit into it all. Trusteeship is recognized the communal quality of all that we have. We have love within us to share with all. The joy of sharing food with others far exceeds satisfying solely one’s own palate. When we are trustees, we think of maintaining quality and purity of what we are placed in charge of, we are guardians of what is ultimately not our own.

As trustees, when we give the possessions out, we are giving someone what is rightfully there. So where does that leave us. We become an instrument, a transfer tool. Self-interest disappears from the equation. If we are giving someone what is theirs, we are not “charitable” or compassionate (well compassionate is not the right word, but I’ll leave it for now).

When I was a kid, I remember this one demonstration that I had seen on flow. There was a pipe and balls. The pipe has a certain cross-section which determines the amount of balls that can go through. When you are trying to sending something from left to right and a section of the pipe is partially or fully blocked, the flow becomes impeded. When one gives to receive the benefits of giving, then the same happens, the flow becomes impeded. For the Divine to flow freely, its about making yourself as smooth as possible for the balls to move left to right without any blocks. As an instrument, we give ourselves to a force greater than ourselves, there is no ego involved as we are not giving what is ours, but rather giving someone what is rightfully there’s.

The sense of responsibility grows with the idea of trusteeship as we take greater care of what is not ours. There is a saying that says, ‘we have not inherited this earth from our ancestors, but borrowed it from our children.’ It summarizes the notion of trusteeship. How would you view the world if it was not your own. Nothing remains your right, something on which you can exercise your adhikar and use as you please. It belongs to someone else.

Being the Bridge

“I have realized that it is not about creating bridges, but being the bridge. Creating bridges is political, being the bridge is pure.”

As I sat across from Sonia, my heart was overflowing. She was back. Calmer, even more grounded and at peace. Sonia had discovered what it was all about for her: reconciliation. She experienced what Verma (her father) had been telling her for so long; reconciliation through art was her. More focused than before, greater clarity and depth. Both of us have traveled on a journey in the three months we spent apart, growing and learning.

“It is not about creating bridges, but being the bridge. Each of us needs to become the bridge.”

Creating bridges is political. It involves working with others to create a structure to cross chasms and oceans. It requires outside materials, inputs. Creating a bridge involves creating a third party that connects the two together.

But what about being?
Being the bridge, that is neither side, yet both. Being the supports, being the trusses and the beams. Making thyself the most perfect instrument through which the Divine can flow. Being the metal and rock through which love and compassion move freely. Being means changing yourself to suit the situation. Moving one support a little to the left when the bank seems to erode. It’s changing oneself and giving of oneself. Our experiences, emotions, knowledge and most importantly, heart are what we can give to the world. Utilizing them to bring people together is being the bridge.

Creating bridges? I think I prefer being the bridge.

ESI goes to South India part 1

LONG DELAYED

ESI goes to South India

The annual meet of the Akhil Bharat Rachnakat Samaj was held in Tirupati from November 25-27. It was an annual meeting of Gandhian social workers from all over the country and the event overlapped with the meet of the Harijan Sevak Sangh. Jayeshbhai was attending because Nirmala Didi insisted that he and Ishwardada attend. An eight day trip to South India was added to the sammelan timings.

So it became an opportunity to take the elders and sevaks of the Harijan Sevak Sangh and ESI on a trip to places they would otherwise not have the chance to see. The trip though became much more than that, it indeed became an orientation for us all. We had the chance not only to see religious places, but spiritual places and spiritual people.

We went to the Meenakshi Mandir and got joy because we could express our love to God, this joy was religious in nature. We went to Aravind Eye Hospital, Auroville and Aurbindo Ashram, met people who we didn’t know and experienced joy that was spiritual in nature as we received pure love. That is the power of heart to heart connectivity, the power of invisible bonds that ties each of us to each to each other.

Tirupati
When we arrived in Tirupati, we ended up at the bus station for a few hours waiting for accommodations to be found. 15,000 people had taken over the city for the sammelan so accommodations had become haphazard. Devendrabhai, Deegandbhai, Harshadbhai and Jayeshmama ran all over the city to try to make the rooms happen. Finally, due to the Maruthibhai’s efforts, we got 6 wonderful rooms in Venkateshwara Srinivasam. The hotel was beautiful. It has over 500 rooms which were all full and then a free rest hall where hundreds of guests slept and had access to clean bathrooms and lockers. Everyone had to clean their own rooms, while the staff kept the rest of the hotel impeccably clean.

While the rest of the gang went on a site-seeing tour of temples around Tirupati, I went with Jayeshmama and Vasrambhai to the workshop, Mama was leading a discussion on youth empowerment. Initially, it was just the three of us, so we started planning for the leadership retreats, but finally a group began to form, primarily of youth from a certain college in Orissa. There was another man from Bihar who was also supposed to lead the discussion and he’s the one who began the talking- asking first about something I don’t remember. The answers talked about the lack of youth involvement and the need for workshops, etc for youth to connect to one another. The crowd continued to grow, so this took a while. Then the man continued and asked what our vision for the future was and then delved into the importance of vision and his own vision. This took well over 10 minutes and was very frustrating. Here he was talking about the need for youth to be involved, he posed a question and then instead of allowing the youth to answer, he was answering it! It was a great example of how the older generations talk about youth participation and empowerment, but don’t give youth the chance! I was a disappointed that Jayeshmama didn’t get a chance to really talk or interact with everyone. At one point, he posed the idea of ending the discussion and actually doing something- cleaning up the workshop grounds and people were receptive to it, but the other man continued to go on his schpel and didn’t seem like he was really listening (and just following how he wanted to lead the discussion). Several cool things that came out of the interaction. Another gentlemen who it seems was also supposed to lead the discussion, but had a bad throat did a simple activity to illustrate the need for collective action, which I actually ended up using two days later in Pondicherry. Also from hearing what the other youths were saying, my desire to hold leadership retreats as a means of charging up youth to take action was strengthened. It was clear that many felt the need to interact with others and get in contact with people who would provide that extra push need to do something and this was from people from all over the country.

After the workshop, it was time to head to Tirupati for darshan of Balaji. Grabbing an late afternoon bus, we made our way up to mountain. The views were gorgeous, the sun was midway through its descent and shone perfectly over Tirumala. As we made our way up, the gates that act as markers to the temple came and went, paying tribute to the Balaji and expressing the artistic genius of the time. We arrived early in Tirupati, so people could get their head shaven. I’ll be honest, I too wanted to get mine shaven, but alas it wasn’t a smart choice as I had a wedding to attend a few weeks later. Instead, we roamed the city and waited for the others. When they came out, they were in complete praise of the way the tonsures were done and others (Deegantbhai, Vasrambhai and Nareshbhai) too wanted to get one done. So we headed back to the tonsure place and this time I went to take a look at how its done. I was thoroughly impressed. The system developed is simple, in the sense that no technology is involved, highly efficient and hygienic. Each person is given a number of a barbar, there are about 25 barbers/floor and 4 floors. On each floor is a open, tiled room rimmed with male and female barbers. Before each shave, the barbar cleans his blade with dettol and wets your hair. Within 5 minutes, your tonsure is done. You squat with your head over a ditch in the floor, into which all your hair falls. The place is impeccably clean. Showers are also provided outside each shaving room. I was so amazed. It’s natural that such a system would be developed in light of the thousands of people who offer their hair to Balaji every day, but seeing it in action was great. Maybe next time I visit Tirupati, I took will offer my hair… just kidding.

We stood in line for darshan for about 2 hours, which actually isn’t as bad as it could have been. Even amidst the pushing and shoving, I was able to have a peaceful and long darshan of Balaji. The idol is beautiful, there really are no words to describe what I saw. I think I was able have a good look because I was doing darshan for Raghu’s mom or masi, who’s family god is Balaji. Near midnight, we made our way down to Tirumala and got ready for our trip to Chennai.

Mahabalipuram
After a day’s travel to Chennai and roaming the nearby area, we rented a luxury bus with tv and dvd player for the remainder of our journey south and headed to our first destination, Pondicherry after a night of rest.

It was our day in nature. We first stopped at crocodile park. Great choice. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed and hundreds of crocodiles housed there. These crocodiles are from all over the world. From freshwater to saline crocs, these reptiles are quite a site. It was amazing to see them through the eyes of our sevaks, who had never seen a crocodile before. There are some great pictures so take a look.

After seeing crocs, we continued our day outdoors and stopped in Mahabalipuram. Here we saw the butter ball, which is set perfectly on its center of gravity that even that British army could not tip it. Of course, Mahabalipuram would not be complete without seeing the famous mural of Arjuna doing tapa (penance). The guide told of us the various stories carved into the wall. It’s amazing how much. One could sit for hours to hear about what each depiction represents. One funny story is that of the fat cat that is doing penance below Arjuna. Seeing Arjuna doing tapas, the cat decided to follow suit. As he stood motionless, mice began to circle around him, taking him to be a rishi. While Arjuna did not eat, completed absorbed in the name of god, the cat opened an eye and began to pick a mouse, one at a time, and eat it. Hence the cat has a ballooning stomach and Arjuna is skin and bones.

We took a trip to the seashore at Mahabalipuram to visit the old shore temple, which is slowly eroding away due to the sea, waves and wind. From the ancient temple on the shore, we went to the five rathas (chariots). Each chariot is carved from a single piece of stone. The mastery required to do such work in unimaginable. Pictures do more justice than words.

Auroville (Indus Valley and the Matrimandir)
After the rathas and stone carvings, we headed to Auroville- The Mother’s village, located outside of Pondicherry. There we met many brothers – Manoj, one of the creators of Tsunamika dolls and Dhruv, one of the creators of Indus Valley, Auroville’s version of Seva Café. We had a beautiful time in Auroville. The village is very peaceful, full of greenery and interesting architecture. To have Manoj as our guide was very special. If there is one word to describe Manoj, it would be serenity. His face glowed with this understanding. Soft-spoken, each word was spoken with care and depth. Being able to have a satsang with him as we walked amidst the trees is something I won’t be able to forget.

The first place that we went to was Indus Valley. Indus Valley was inspired by Seva Café. After the tsunami, the Indicorps fellows gathered in Tamil Nadu to help with reconstruction work and stayed in Auroville. During this time, the founders interacted with Anjali and Anand and the concept of Seva Café came up. The founders had a space where they were going to make a café and they decided to base it on the idea of gift economy, thus Indus Valley was born. The space they have created is beautiful. It’s an open space with many little details that make it perfect. It’s connectedness with nature is moving and of course, the food was great.

From Indus Valley, we went to see the Matrimandir, located beside the center of the Auroville. When the Mother had a vision for the city, she said it would be centered around a tree. That tree is an old banyan tree. Beside the banyan tree is a large golden egg, the Matrimandir. Representing the Golden Egg that emerged from the earth, the center dome (made from real gold) is surrounded by 12 petals. Each petal is a meditation room that has its interior in one of twelve colours, which represents a value and stage of in meditation. One progresses from one petal, one colour to the next, until reaches a level of consciousness to mediate in the dome, the white room. Lined with white carpet, the central room, housed in the golden egg, houses a crystal in the middle. The sun is directed to the crystal, through which light is dispersed throughout the whole room. The Matrimandir has been under construction for over 40 years and will be complete in February. As it was in its final stages of construction, we could only see if from the outside.

The third element in the garden is the giant urn topped with a lotus bud. When Auroville was founded in the 60’s, the Mother had two children from every country (123 total) come to the international city (Auroville) with soils from their land. One by one, each pair of children offered their soils, creating the earth of humanity. From the urn, emerged the bud of a lotus.

The information center at Auroville is a super green busy and very architectural cool, so the civil and environmental engineer was thoroughly pleased. Our trip was short, but incredibly moving. I would love to go back and spend more time in Auroville.

Aravind Eye Hospital- Pondicherry
From Auroville, we checked into the Guest House at the Ashram in Pondicherry and then Jayeshmama and I headed to the Aravind Eye Hospital where Kannamma had called a meeting for their nurses to hear Jayeshmama speak. I got to serve as the translator. I loved the opportunity to hear Jayeshmama speak and the girls enjoyed the conversation also. It was chance for Jayeshmama to express his thought on Dr. V and appreciate the nurses for all that they do.

The nurses of Aravind Eye Hospitals are very inspirational. The hospital trains rural girls who have passed their 12th standards as nurses. At Aravind, they are always trying to maximize efficiency, be it of space or people. So these nurses are trained in everything that does not require a doctor, including refraction testing, etc. They are also the caregivers, the women who offer love and support to the patients. Aravind places a strong emphasis on making sure that each patient is treated with love and respect and it is these women who has the greatest responsibility in enacting this ideal.

At the end of the talk, I conducted the activity that I had learned in Tirupati with the nurses. It was a perfect way to end as it embodies the idea of supporting each other and working as a collective soul force, which is what Jayeshmama spoke of.

We then had a feast literally. The staff had prepared a wonderful meal for us, which shared with Kannamma, Ravindra and Dr. V’s brother, Dr. Srinivasan, who happened to be in Pondicherry at the time. By this point, the rest of the gang also had joined us. We unfortunately did not get a chance to get a full tour of the hospital, but felt the love and spiritual strength that embodied the space.

When we walked out of the hospital, Devendrabhai pointed something out that I had not taken note of: the lack of smell. The hospital had not smelt like a hospital with scents of medicines, etc even though we had gone through the patients’ area! Pondicherry is the first Aravind Hospital where there was ample space, so the campus is beautifully set up on one plot of land.